If y'all are still around, I'm gonna try actually remembering to update now and then over at actuallyclintbarton.

Sooooo follow me if you're still around and want an update? and my random thoughts? I guess?

Hey guys, anybody still here?

If I started using this again, would anyone be interested into following me off this username that I picked on a whim and am not really attached to?

Edit: It occurs to me that I might have a problem with not recognizing who the fuck is responding to this post unless they have the same url everywhere WELP. XD

So. A little while ago I started this thing with some of the On a Saturday Angel Roadtrip kids crossed over with Homestuck, to cheer Aubrey up. She had a rough night, so I thought I'd finish it.

I am rather proud, even though it's shit. XD

( Below lies brightly colored courier and stuff you probably won't understand if you don't know the angel seriesCollapse )

I have just finished reading Sam Starbuck's first (published) original novel, Nameless. I can see some hints of the origins as the unwritten Ellis Graveworthy novel Animagus Winter, but it's no weaker for it - stronger, really, in some ways, I feel. Why I feel that way, I can't really say, but to say it is right that it should have those origins.

( Under this cut is rambling and also spoilers for NamelessCollapse )

Okay, easily done.

First off, it's kind of weird how, once I HAVE a binder, my desire to wear it becomes much less urgent. It's just there, waiting for the days where I want to have less boobage, and that in and of itself is a comfort.


For those who know Homestuck, I have found myself in unexpected possession of a moirail. Albeit one who has less need of keeping me from committing violence than a traditional Troll moirail, but I'd think that's a cultural difference that holds pretty true as far as humans go. (For those who don't know Homestuck, a moirail is a sort of platonic soulmate, who helps keep you balanced and who you help keep balanced in return. It's... hard to explain, I just know what we mean when we say it, so... bluh, words.)

Her name is Kari, and she, too, is trans*.

We've bonded a lot, and it probably doesn't hurt that she plays a Dave to my John in Sing (even if she's nothing like Dave and I'm hilariously like John), and basically she rocks my socks off. She calms me down when I'm freaking like none other, and she'd smell like sand on the beach if my moirail had a scent.

She came out to her mum tonight. And it went famously, apparently. Probably won't go as well with her dad, but she's got one parent on her side and that is a powerful strong thing. I have to admit, I'm as jealous as I can be while still being overwhelmingly happy for her. I'd love to be able to tell one or both of my parents and have them support me, but...

Well.

It'll just have to wait until we can manage on our own. I... am somewhat okay with that. Not overly pleased, but okay.

And in the meantime, I have my lovely wife, beautiful girlfriend, carnival kid, and moirail to keep me sane in the myriad of ways that are unique to each of them.

I am the luckiest guy around, for sure.

Uh. So yeah. >_>

I have this.

Brief rundown of my life at the moment!

• I have a binder now! Which I do not wear every day because I'm still getting used to it and shit, but man, it's so nice. Of course, the day I was feeling nice and guyish at work earlier in the week, I was getting ma'am-d more than I do on a normal day. WTF. On the bright side, I got some awesome guys' clothes from Goodwill, and actually used the guys' restrooms THREE TIMES IN TWO AIRPORTS on Sunday, and only had one guy give me any trouble.
  
  Him: Uh, Miss, this is the men's room?
  Me: Yeah, YOU try wearing a fucking binder on an airplane sometime, dude. *goes in anyway*
  
  And that was it.
  
• Unfortunately, even with a little effort, I don't appear to be able to pass. *sigh* I guess I kind of expected this, but still. It sucks. But I will persevere because even without passing, it feels so much better. But seriously, guys. I'm a sexy bastard.
  
• Went to visit the parentals for a few days. Got to hang with Charley (my Carnival Kid) and Morgan all Saturday afternoon. Went to dinner with the ex-boyfriend on Thursday night (and spent all night flirting back and forth oh god). Oh and Friday we went to the beach and I swam in the gulf even though it was like 60 degrees and freezing and you guys I love the ocean. Happy plaaace. I even didn't feel too weird in a girly swimsuit. Or in a swimsuit period!!!!!!!!
  
• Homestuck has eaten my brain. My life is crazy 13-year-old kids.
  
• I've been playing voraciously over at singularity_rpg. I'm playing Toby Daye, Buffy Meissonier, and an AU John Egbert. I am madly in love with this game.
  
• I have started grabbing important journals on DW in the event of migration, because LJ is full of dickwads.
  
• ...yeah, stuff. I've been kind of a mess off and on for the past few days, but my railsis Kari has been keeping me relatively level. Dude, how do I get all the most awesome friends? <>>>>>Kari
  
• Oh, and the BEST THING on this list: When I went to visit my parents, my mom took me shopping for a Christmas present. She bought me this. It is the most beautiful microphone I have ever touched. I got an inexpensive pop screen, too, obviously. I just. Now all I need is a soundproofed room that won't make my voice echo, heh. Still, it is beautiful and I really need to find the perfect things to record. Can't wait to really sit down on my day off (Christmas, lol!) and play with it. :D

So yes. Good is theoretically outweighing bad, though you wouldn't be able to tell from the fact that I keep nearly (or actually) having these tiny meltdowns. Some are bleedover-induced, some are not, but all in all it's... bluh.

I'm also still gaining weight - slowly, but I am. Brain swooshes or no brain swooshes, I am sick of being on Paxil - I'm going to drop down to half dose (5mg vs 10mg) for a couple weeks and reassess. Important notice - if you guys notice that I'm acting differently than I usually do, please bring it up to me? I'm relying on my friends and Aub to help me gauge if I'm okay on less Paxil. Honestly, even if I'm not doing as well, I'm going to wean off carefully and go in for a different scrip - one that hopefully won't make me gain weight. Bluh bluh bluh.

Anyway, that is the state of the Mat as of right now. :) How are all of you, since I've forgotten that my journal reading lists exist for a couple months?

So, Nano started today, complete with my kind of insane project to hand-write 50,000+ words this month. Last night, mortalcity and I went to the Ithaca kick-off/write-in. I haven't been to one for five years, which was just the kickoff party in the San Mateo, CA area and nothing more because I had to be home at night to watch my roommate's 5-year-old while she was at work. Aubrey hasn't been to a Nano event for seven years, since the events where we met and became friends.

Also, Morgan, it has been officially 7 years and 1 day since I met you, and dragged you out of your corner at Panera to get coffee with my crazy, scarf-wearing self. I have yet to regret that moment. ;) Never will, either. MWAH!

Anyway, Aub had said that if she enjoyed the kickoff that she'd like to go to some of the write-ins over the course of the month. We really lucked out - when we got to the diner, we chatted with the ML and the other early arrivals, and that was fun. But then, oh then, two lovely young women ended up at our table - Anna and Carrie. You guys, we had SO MUCH FUN. We felt really old because except for the ML and Anna, we were the OLDEST PEOPLE THERE. Seriously, it was WEIRD, after Velvet Botox (the Tampa/St. Pete group from 7 years ago) which mostly consisted of people in their late 20s and up, and the five of us teenagers. Ah, the days when I had to prove that I wasn't actually 16. I was 18 and they refused to believe me until I provided my ID! No lie! But we had lots of fun, and are definitely doing more write-ins.

As far as the actual writing goes, it's not bad. I'd forgotten how it felt to really settle down and write long-hand. It's a much more fluid process than writing on the computer. You can pull it out and add a few words without much trouble, while you're waiting for a bus, or while you're waiting for them to make your sandwich at the sandwich place. Plus when you don't have the computer, you can't get distracted by things like settings, character sheets, email, twitter, plurk, AIM, music...

I wrote four pages at the write-in (and drank five cups of coffee...), two when I got home, and two so far today at work. Even more that getting in a good typing rhythm, I'm kind of taken aback by my word count. I'm estimating, given an average of 10 words per line and 32 lines per page, that I have about 320 words on each page. I've passed 2.5k already, and it feels like I've written half that. I think it definitely helps to have the visual goal of the bottom of the page. I'm actually feeling more confident of my ability to finish my nano this year. If it goes well this year, I might make this a tradition. Plus, it can't hurt to pull myself away from the computer for the time it takes me to write those pages every day. ;)

My novel_in_90 project (which is being typed and will be posted as I finish chapters over at darlingthenovel, go join!) has started off nicely, though I'm not really sure where to go with it. I know where it has to go by the end, I just don't know how it's going to get there. It's not as imperative that I figure it out ASAP, though, since it's only 750 words a day, and I've made that with just the very first scene. I'm looking forward to exploring Jo's character, especially since she's not making an appearance in Super until a third to half the way through. That's a whole two weeks away!

Anyway, that's the surprisingly-sane State of the Mat. More updates later in the week, when I will likely be crazier than ever.

So I made a comm for my nano: superthenovel, which is highly uncreative, I know. There's nothing in it just yet, but hopefully I'll have a cast list up shortly!

I will note that I'm planning on writing this longhand, so the comm is mostly going to hold things like worldbuilding and backstory until after nano, unless I get the urge to type shit up. Which I might, from time to time, if I'm proud of a scene. (Especially if Sunny and Ten are in it, since they already have a fan club.)

Anyway, any actual WRITING is going under a lock, so if you have a DW account and want to read anything, go request to join!

I am a coyote girl. I'm a queer little fae one who likes to walk barefoot in the grass. I love urban fantasy and a little sci-fi, and sometimes trashy romance novels. I am a gamer (though I kinda suck at 'em) and a blogger and an RPer. I am poly and in love with two amazing women who make my life better just by being themselves. I like Doctor Who and Glee and Criminal Minds and Fringe and My Little Pony. I work in an adult bookstore and love it. I love to write, and I live to sing. And I am trans*.

...Yeah, in my first draft of this post I had this bit about how you're probably surprised, and then Aub and Jaqui proceeded to be ABSOLUTELY NOT SURPRISED AT ALL (Aub called me anticlimactic. ANTICLIMACTIC!) so I won't presume to know whether you're surprised or not.

And yeah, I am a bit of an odd duck, even among the odd duck trans* folks I know. I love my breasts and my feminine curves. I still consider myself a coyote girl despite the fact that I am not, in fact, a girl (figure that one out). I have no desire or plans to have surgery or take hormones.

But just because I am not a "normal" guy doesn't mean I'm not a guy. When I was 13, my favourite activity was to wear a too-small sports bra, dress in baggy cargo pants and an over-large hoodie, go to the mall with my guy friends, and basically get "mistaken" for a teenaged boy. It felt good. Not just fun, not just amusing, but good. And back then, I didn't even know what being trans* WAS, so unlike my attraction to girls, I never really fought it. Especially 'cause I still liked pretty things, girly things, dresses and makeup (sometimes), so even after I learned the very basics of what being trans* entails, I still didn't feel like it applied to me. I mean, would I LIKE to be considered a guy? Yeah, I thought, that'd be awesome, but I can't be trans*. I like being a girl too much.

It's taken some time, but over the past few years, I've grown more and more sure that I'm just a guy who happens to enjoy having what is generally considered "female" anatomy. And still I haven't said anything. But a few things have happened recently to push me to actually coming out.

The first is the simple feeling of new beginnings permeating my life, with Aub and I moving into our new house, getting our new car, doing domestic stuff like cooking dinner and painting walls and pulling up carpet.

The second is that my wonderful friend O, one of the sexiest women I know, recently came out to the WoW blogging community as trans. This has changed not a thing about how I think or feel about her (she is a sexy lady, full stop), but the fact that she just sat us down and told us meant more to me than I could express when she posted that.

And third, earlier today I came across a tumblr (which I've lost since) of a guy who felt no need to "pass" as traditionally male. He, like me, has no desire for surgery or hormones. He wears some clothes that would generally be considered "girly". He has longish hair, dyes it fabulous colours, and wears amazing theatrical makeup. He doesn't look like what I would usually peg as a guy, but looking at his pictures, he very much is. Maybe it's just my habit of interpreting people as they want to be interpreted, but even with his long pink hair, lipstick, eyeshadow, barrettes, and a corset showing off his cleavage, he read as absolutely a guy to me. Not a MASCULINE guy, because he doesn't want to be, but still a guy.

And damn if it didn't make me go "...well, if he can be out..."

So, after much much much debate and waffling and flailing and needing moral support from my girls (you know who you are), I have decided (obviously) to come out as a transgendered man, with all my quirks and unique takes on what it means to be a guy.

So I have two requests for you, my friends:

1) My name is Matthew. You can call me that, or Mat (note the one T), or Mattie.I do go by Apple in a few places, and personally I do not feel weird about being called Apple while being a guy. If you want to keep calling me Apple or call me Mat, that's up to you, I'll take either one. :)

2) I'm a guy. Please use male pronouns when you're talking about me. He/him/his.

I know this is kind of a lot to just suddenly announce. I know it's gonna take some work to remember to use the right name/pronouns, especially for anyone who's never had a trans* friend or family member begin whatever their form of transition was. And I'm not gonna bite your head off if you slip up every once in a while, so don't feel bad if it happens. I do it, too, to friends that I KNOW don't belong to those pronouns, but it just slips. All you need to do is correct yourself, try not to slip up next time, move on.

Anyway... yes. I love you all, I'm still me. Same me as I was this morning when you thought I was a girl. I was terrified of making this post earlier. I'm glad I got to talk to my girls, because I'm surprisingly not afraid of making it now.

If you've got any questions, leave a comment, I'll do my best to answer. And though I would be shocked if any of you guys were douchebags about this (I know you guys and you rock!), if anyone IS, I'll sic my attack squad on you. Trust me, you don't want to piss them off.